I’ve been meaning to post about this song for a couple weeks now. The band, Mercy Me has a way to do one song an album that totally “gets me.” I still can’t watch their song, “Flawless” with dry eyes.
Right now “Even if” means a lot because our family has been going through so many health trials–not only with Holden, but both mine and Dustin’s families.
This song has been one of my prayers since the beginning of Holden’s journey in CHD. One line sings:
“give me the strength to sing ‘it is well with my soul.'”
One big part of being a Christian is having faith that God will make good from any bad situation- it may not be what you initially wanted, or expected, but it’s part of a bigger plan.
That aspect ties into another line from the song which states:
“all of the sorrow and all of the hurt could just go away if you just say the word, but even if you don’t, my hope is still you alone.”
Some people will say, “God doesn’t give you any more than you can handle.” The thing is, that’s not true. The world we live in gives us way more than we can handle– we don’t live in a perfect world. It’s in those moments that we need to say, “God, I can’t do this on my own. I’m not strong enough. I have faith the size of a mustard seed right now, and I’m asking you to move mountains.”
I don’t want to deceive anyone. I’m not there yet. My faith is there, that God loves Holden more than I could ever, with an unconditional love that’s unyielding, so no matter the outcome from his surgeries, God has ahold of my son. Where I’m not, is allowing it to be well with my soul. The “wellness” of my soul is more like a roller coaster than that of a fresh spring.
As a soon-to-be mother waits with a anxious heart for her labor pains to begin, that is me in waiting for Holden’s surgery. Even more is the anxiety of knowing that there’s nothing the surgeons can do to cure Holden. Really, it’s in that knowledge that I pray for the wellness of my soul.
We chose Holden’s name because it means “shepherd.” God is using him to shepherd us through a part our faith full of foreboding terrain. I can only ask that Holden will likewise feel the fruits of this journey.